You’ve seen the little red line and jumped for joy and then the journey begins. You’re thrown head first into a new world at 100 miles per hour and still the one thing you want more than anything else is for time to go faster! There’s more to early pregnancy than vomiting, here’s what else is coming up.
You get comfortable
Out with the heels and in with all things stretchy because you’re already afraid that you’ll trip and that the waistband mark – embedded in your stomach from the skinny jeans – will cause harm.
You wait to glow
You wait patiently to start blooming while you add another layer of foundation to hide the newly breaking spots and the bags underneath your eyes.
You rub a bump that isn’t there
You’re just a few weeks in and anything growing inside you would struggle to get much bigger than a grain of rice but you can’t help doing a mum-to-be pat on your completely unchanged midriff
You assume the stance
There is absolutely no need to adopt a new posture to accommodate your grain of rice but you are compelled to do the “I’m expecting” stance with both hands behind you, in the small of your back, every time you have to stand still for more than 30 seconds.
Google is your enemy but you’re addicted
Every twinge, every itch and every bowel movement makes you reach for the keys to tap in ‘pregnancy + <insert today’s condition>’. It’s addictive, it’s not reassuring but you just need to check for peace of mind…just one more search.
Your brain turns to mush
No, it’s not an excuse, apparently lack of concentration and being forgetful it’s a real side-effect and I know because I Googled.
You eat for two
The phrase ‘I’m eating for two, now’, (as you wipe the chocolate fudge cake off your chin) becomes one of your go-to phrases. Behind your back people are starting to wonder if you’re expecting sextuplets.
When you’re pregnant it’s free reign for other people to tell you all about their labour horrors and the ins and outs of their bodily functions, but don’t worry because the story always ends with ‘but it won’t happen to you’…. (And don’t Google because doubtlessly these atrocities are indeed coming your way).
Normal conversation is suspended
All chats with family, friends and colleagues will be baby related. You’re expected to have picked names, decorated a room and arranged a university fund for them in the first 12 weeks.
You hope it won’t happen to you, you think you’ll be different and then you go to the maternity section and realise everything is mumsy, floral is the only design and the underwear is like something from a Victorian workhouse.
You slack-off immediately
Well, you can’t be too careful and you would hate to overdo it… Cue eight months of lounging about, palming the housework off on to your other half and sitting at your desk yawning and eating for two.