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If “Friends” Had Been Set In Britain

1. The one where everything gets stolen because they never lock the doors.

2. The one where they have to move to Zone 3 because no one in their mid-20s can afford a place like that.

3. The one where Joey gets a job in Nando’s.

4. The one where Chandler was the least sarcastic one.

5. The one with the three-day hangover.

6. The one where Phoebe puts on a club night in Dalston.

7. The one where they all stay in and watch Bake Off.

8. The one where they all realised they never liked each other but it was too late to do anything about it.

9. The one where they went on holiday and were fucked by the time they got on the plane.

10. The one in Blackpool: Part I.

11. The one in Blackpool: Part II.

12. The one after Blackpool where Joey visits the GUM clinic.

13. The one where healthcare is free so Monica and Rachel didn’t have to swap identities.

14. The one where they have to stay in all weekend because of tube maintenance work.

15. The one where Secret Cinema got cancelled.

16. The one where everyone was in the pub and Ross got called into work, totally fucking up the rounds.

17. The one where Phoebe rides a Boris bike.

18. The one with the rail replacement bus.

19. The other one with the three-day hangover.

20. The one where no one can eat at Monica’s restaurant because it’s one of the east London hipster restaurants where you can’t book a table.

21. The one with the tube strike.

22. The one where Joey and Chandler leave Ben on the Northern Line and social services are called immediately.

23. The one where Joey finds Rachel on Tinder.

24. The one where Ross and Rachel are arrested for indecent exposure after having sex in the Natural History Museum.

25. The one where they don’t swap apartments because that would be too much effort.

26. The one with all the drizzle.

27. The one where they all get fired because they’re always in a coffee shop when they’re meant to be at work.

28. The one where Joey doesn’t encounter Fergie just walking around London because that just wouldn’t happen.

29. The one where Rachel actually knows what a trifle is.

30. The one where they don’t all live two minutes away from each other because that’s not a thing.

31. The one where Monica doesn’t make treats for her neighbours because interacting with your neighbours is not the British way.

32. The one where Chandler is moved cross country for work (but it’s only 2 hours drive away so he doesn’t have to move house).

33. The one with the emotional repression.

34. The one where they all have to move back to their home towns because they can’t afford their lives.

35. The one where they all go to the pub because who the fuck hangs out in a café all day.

36. The one where someone orders tea.

37. The one where Joey puts the milk in first.

38. The one where they never actually see each other because they live in different parts of London and no one can be arsed to travel all that way.

39. The one where they make plans to meet up, but everyone cancels at the last minute.

40. The one with the optimistic but inevitably doomed April barbecue.

41. The one where Joey becomes a Police Community Support Officer.

42. The one with five blue WKDs for £10.

43. The one with the giant poking device and the subsequent restraining order and the resultant Daily Mail article about “ugly-shaming”.

44. The one where Joey’s catchphrase is “How do you do?”

45. The one where Rachel stops hanging out with the gang because she can get free coffee with her Waitrose card.

46. The one where Ross falls in love with the woman who says “unexpected item in the bagging area”.

47. The one where Monica starts a long-term relationship with a moustachioed older man. (Guest star: Des Lynam.)

48. The one where Ross is imprisoned under the Dangerous Wild Animals Act of 1976 for keeping that stupid monkey.

49. The one where self-employed Phoebe and Joey take six hours to get through to an advisor on the HMRC helpline before the January 31 self-assessment tax deadline.

50. The one where Chandler and Monica drunkenly hook up but never talk to each other again thanks to unprecedented awkwardness.

51. The one where Joey gets his own show on London Live.

52. The one where Chandler throws up in the street.

53. The one where Ross falls asleep on the last train and ends up in Morden.

54. The one where it was actually really hot in August and everyone moaned about not having air con.

55. The one where everyone went days without seeing Monica – not for sinister reasons, though, she was just really busy.

56. The one where Chandler called Joey a cockwomble.

57. The one where Phoebe controversially exclaimed that she is “neither here nor there” when it came to Marmite.

58. The one where they tried to recapture their youth: Kavos, Part I.

59. The one where everything was fine.

60. The one where Rachel got her hair cut but was too polite to tell the hairdresser she didn’t like it.

61. The one where Ross turned up at the airport in time to stop Rachel because he got the Heathrow Express and it only takes 15 minutes.


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